I started my Texas vacation last night. I thought getting away to a new place would be the panacea for my problems, but if it is your thoughts you are trying to escape – they tend to stay with you no matter where you temporarily relocate yourself.<\/p>\n
There is a letter I’ve been meaning to write. <\/p>\n
There is a letter I’ve started to write a few times on paper. <\/p>\n
There is a long letter I wrote a few times on the computer. <\/p>\n
There are thousands of letters I’ve written inside my head in the past 40+ days. The receiver however has (at least until reading this) no idea any of this was occurring.<\/p>\n
Once I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t write about a certain subject on this blog any longer. Perhaps it is a mistake to even write anything now. Perhaps it was to stop myself from writing anything rash, or overly emotional (read: weak). Perhaps I just simply didn\u2019t want to face it. <\/p>\n
I still have unanswered questions, but I try to console myself and say that the answers are irrelevant. I try to tell myself that fate has decided my path already and second-guessing is futile.<\/p>\n
I do know I’m faced with a hard decision I’ve never been faced with before. I also know that simply ignoring that decision doesn’t make it go away. I kind of told myself “I’ll worry about that after I get back from Texas.” Well, faced with a night alone in an unfamiliar town (where apparently everything closes early) while sitting in front of a friend’s PC (or Mac, actually), pacing around a friend’s living room, and trying to dispel certain thoughts from my head\u2026 things bubble to the surface. <\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t seen my friend since April of 2006. What a strange coincidence. At that time it was roughly 7 weeks since I\u2019d been unceremoniously dumped. Now, here we are again \u2013 roughly 7 weeks (although one might argue that this one was thoroughly planned and fairly ceremonious).<\/p>\n
I see two roads ahead. <\/p>\n
On one path, I blank out someone\u2019s existence and only remember them in moments of emotional weakness \u2013 and in my dreams (which can be one and the same often). I suppose the goal here is to just forget entirely about that person. From experience I know that won\u2019t be the case. I still think about everyone who has professed to love me (or not love me, as the case may be). I do hope Celeste, for one, has a happy life without me, and I regret not staying in touch to be certain of it.<\/p>\n
On the other path I try to make new memories of a different type, eventually (hopefully) dulling the pin pricks to my heart produced by the old memories.<\/p>\n
I have no experience to draw on in this situation to know which one is the better choice. Although I do know that by choosing the first road I\u2019m denying someone something she asked of me, which I\u2019m not sure is a necessary punishment for doing what she thought was best for her. Perhaps it would be more of a punishment for myself after all if I were to stay this stubborn forever.<\/p>\n
So it seems I want to break the thick blanket of quiet. If parting is such sweet sorrow, what then is a new beginning, sour joy?<\/p>\n
I guess there is only one way to find out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I started my Texas vacation last night. I thought getting away to a new place would be the panacea for my problems, but if it is your thoughts you are trying to escape – they tend to stay with you no matter where you temporarily relocate yourself. There is a letter I’ve been meaning to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":99,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-560","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/560","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/99"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=560"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/560\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=560"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=560"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.andrewlorenzlong.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=560"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}