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Month: June 2006

hope

hope

I woke up this morning feeling extremely panicky, definitely having a panic attack. My pulse was quick and I was starting to shake. I didn’t understand what was going on as I’d been relatively calm the night before.

Perhaps it was simply the heat in my apartment (probably in the 80s) and me being tired because when I got to my air conditioned office at work I felt calm, maybe even relaxed.

My father flew out on the 22nd and flew back on the 27th. It was probably a turning point in my life. Although I probably didn’t show much emotion to him – his advice shook my brain and started me on the process to “snapping out of it.”

I learned that my parents had been aware of my ex’s condition long before I was. I also learned that they knew this was coming (the bad break-up) and had been preparing for it.

Based on some of the emails I shared with him and more information about things she did in the relationship – my father suggested that she has narcissistic personality disorder (in addition to another mood disorder she was “professionally” diagnosed with). This makes a lot of sense. Everything started to fall into place. The whole relationship was couched in terms of her. She spent two years manipulating me into thinking she was my own personal god. I wasn’t allowed to feel happy unless she said I could. That is why many of you heard me say that I hadn’t felt a moment of happiness since 2005 – because that was the last time she “let” me. She led me to believe that she was perfect and I was horrible, she continued this trend even in the break-up. The only reasons for it I ever received were erroneous accusations of wrongdoing on my part. Zero empathy, a basic indicator of NPD. Looking back, there wasn’t any real empathy towards me in the whole relationship. There was many times where I thought “there’s something not right here”…but didn’t know what it was. If something bad happened to me – she didn’t seem to care – unless it coincided with her needing something from me.

Through simply asking me questions about my knowledge of her life my father pointed out that much of what she told me about herself was more than likely a fraud. Things didn’t add up. When examined more closely her stories about her past didn’t make sense. The most damning thing is realizing that if I don’t trust the things she DID tell me – imagine the things she never ended up telling me at all!

When it comes down to it – that period of my life is always going to remain a gigantic question mark. My life with the thrill kill cult.

So now that I’ve been “deprogrammed” I’m on the road to recovery. It will likely be a long lonely road – but at least I’m on it now. Before this weekend I was sinking deeper and deeper into the quicksand.

One thing my father told me is that I need to update this blog – or people will stop reading it. I couldn’t really post before because my life was totally consumed by my depression over her. I didn’t know what to write. I was afraid to say that she had a disorder (and I still won’t say which one it is on here) because if she saw that I made it public she’d take some sort of “revenge.” However, since she didn’t actually read the blog when we were together – I doubt she’ll read it now. More than likely it has been a few months since I’ve even crossed her mind. The likelihood she’ll ever read any of this is extremely low.

My father also said I need to write about the everyday things I do once again, because people will tire of reading about this depressing stuff.

The ironic thing is that I’ve probably “lived” more in the past four months than I ever did with her. I’ve done and seen almost more new things in four months than I did in two years with her. Here is a short list of things I’ve done:

-eaten authentic Korean Barbeque in KoreaTown
-eaten authentic Japanese cuisine (not just sushi)
-eaten authentic Cuban cuisine
-eaten authentic Mexican cuisine (i.e. made by an actual Mexican master chef)
-visited Palm Springs/Indio/Palm Desert area (three times now)
-attended a MLS game (Los Angeles Galaxy)
-hiked Fryman Canyon
-hiked Griffith Park
-attended Coachella
-attended Assyrian festival
-visited Disneyland
-visited Korean “hostess bar”
-hiked on hands and knees through thick underbrush (briars) with no trail like a commando
-tried martial arts training
-had a physical for the first time since …high school?
-got braces
-tried yoga
-eaten authentic Persian food

But most importantly I’ve reestablished relationships (and started new ones) that she had tried to prevent or destroy. My parents even said they noticed a change for the worse in my attitude the more time I spent with her. She had an extremely negative view of everyone (even her own immediate family at times) and this way of thinking slowly crept into my own psyche. Enough so that when I went home for Christmas I actually ended up starting a fight with my own family (to see my misguided ways read my post on this blog right after Christmas 2005).

The rebuilding is beginning. I’ll be cycling back and forth I imagine between moving forward and backward. It will be a two steps forward and one step back sort of deal – but overall I’ll move forward.