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Month: March 2006

just a little patience

just a little patience

So here we are. One week out into the wilderness. “over the bridge and into the woods, where did I go?” as My Morning Jacket would say. Or more precisely “I’m not here, this isn’t happening” as Michael Stipe advised Thom York to tell himself when he was going through similar experiences.

I’ve talked to pretty much everyone in my life that cares about me (and some that probably don’t) in varying degrees about my dilemma. Everyone seems to have different ideas. One friend told me to go to her house and stand outside all night until she agrees to talk. Since I’ve never been arrested, and I don’t intend to start now, I didn’t take their advice. Other people have said that a lot of couples go through this on purpose just to make sure they really love each other before thinking about the “next step.” And other people tell me to just not waste my time with someone that can’t make up her mind (or even be nice enough to talk with me about it). I’ve adopted a philosophy I think that encompasses all of this. I’ll start dealing with the fact that it may be over. At the same time I’ll keep the door open for her, and I’ll also contact her if I don’t hear from her within a month.

I’ve even had contact with one of her friends and two members of her immediate family. While the results of those contacts are not necessarily good – they could be worse. The consensus from those that are actually currently talking to her seems to be that I should just be patient and let her work things out for herself. It is implied that perhaps our relationship hasn’t ended, but without hearing that from her – I’m not going to read too much into anything anybody says. I spoke with her father and we agreed to meet on the 18th. I’m assuming he probably has more web work for me to do, but also wants to talk about the developments with his daughter. The first thing I did last week was write letters to her parents. This seems to have smoothed things over, at least with her father.

I know now that the likely #1 cause for all of this is that I had become co-dependent on her just as she was gaining back her own independence. She must have felt like I was suffocating her individuality rather than letting her grow into her new responsibilities at her job (and beating the other personal problems in her life). I’m assuming she needs that space now to gain her independence and at the same time teach me to stop being co-dependant on her. No woman wants to be with half a man.

As I wrote before when this wave broke I wasn’t able to eat. I still don’t have a big appetite. However, now I can only eat jello and pudding. I got my brackets put on Tuesday. They put spacers in-between my molars so they can put bands on them later (on the 21st). The spacers are separating the bone in-between my molars – so I can’t chew anything without pain. Even canned peaches give me trouble.

Just more pain though, getting used to “the suck” at this point.

fall out

fall out

I’ve now had a few days to reflect on the events of Ash Wednesday. Apparently for lent I’ll be giving up Amy.

Wednesday night we had two short conversations (she was calling from work). She has been grappling with feelings that she isn’t in love with me for a month or two. Obviously I’m not inside her head and I don’t know how she truly feels – but I think a lot of outside factors are influencing her decisions and feelings at the moment. Maybe she knows that. Maybe not. Thursday night I sent her an email with a copy of some text from an email she sent me a year ago. In that email she was professing how in love with me she was. I also said that we should take a break because she needs to have some space and figure out some things for herself because I find it hard to believe that the Amy from last year isn’t buried deep down in there somewhere.

Wednesday night I did not sleep. Thursday night I slept about four hours, and Friday night about five. I also haven’t been able to eat. I force myself (through great struggle) to eat my breakfast and lunch at work, but when I get home I can’t muster to eat more than a banana for dinner.

She wrote me back Friday morning stating that she would like to go on a break where we don’t see or talk to each other. She said she has to sort through many things before we talk about anything.

My eyes have been opened. I realized that throughout the entire relationship I took her for granted. Early on her feelings were stronger for me than mine for her. My super-ego just assumed she’d feel this way forever. In 2005 Amy had some major personal problems that she had to work through. I tried to be there for her, but could have helped more. Eventually, in December, she felt confident enough to take on a full-time job. Unfortunately, this job wreaked havoc with our schedules. Another personal problem which I can’t really go into detail about caused her to lose attraction to me and just be cold in general. I wasn’t understanding with her at all. I would bug her constantly about when we’re going to get together and when our problems would go away.

In the last few weeks dealing with my needs became too much for her and she tried to avoid me. That is why she hadn’t come to my apartment since early February.

I now realize that I’ve treated the whole situation very poorly. I focused on how my needs weren’t being met instead of asking about hers. I also started to think of things I’ve done and said in the past few months that were extremely hurtful. To be fair to myself I have been under a lot of stress at work in the past few months. I should not have taken it out on her though.

I’m now stuck in limbo. I still love her and want to be with her, but I have to also try to live with the idea that I may not be with her ever again.

More importantly there is a huge void in my life with her gone. We would talk every day. Now I feel very alone because nobody is around to cheer me up or make me laugh about all the little things. Work is even harder as during the times when I didn’t have so much to do I’d be emailing her back and forth all day. Now I sit and stare at my monitor feeling like I have no reason to live.

I was so engrossed in this girl that I really can’t find other girls attractive. I spent my days pining for the next time I’d see her. Now that may never happen so I feel like I have no future. Realistically I know this must just be the depression of the moment and people can move on if they have to…however, I can’t start moving on if there is still a chance that I could have this girl in my life.

The next few weeks (or months…she didn’t specify when we’d speak again) are going to be extremely hard for me. I hope y’all don’t get too annoyed by my emotional ramblings. Then again, as you all know, I normally post pessimistic thoughts on here, so this is a change at least.

broken up

broken up

Amy called me tonight and said she just wants to be friends.

She said she has felt this way since around December. She said she needs to concentrate on her career right now, and I wasn’t enough of a “gentleman” in our time together.

She said we should take a month’s “break” and see what happens.

This all came as quite a shock to me you can be sure, and I feel physically ill at the moment. She had me at the point where I was starting to like the idea of spending the rest of my life with her. I was definetly in love. I know I don’t usually say mushy stuff like that publicly, but all of you that knew me well knew that I was really really happy with her. I guess the feeling wasn’t mutual.

Now nothing.

I feel very numb.

and very very alone.