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Month: May 2006

WhyLife

WhyLife

Okay, I’ve got to write something. It’ll have to be the abridged version since this is going out to the entire world.

In May of 2004 I met someone online. She seemed like a great girl. She came to Ohio to visit me a few times. By the time I moved to Los Angeles in August we were considered boyfriend and girlfriend. Over the next 17 months our relationship grew and grew. Unfortunately personal problems began to surface in the fall of 2004 that I had been kept in the dark about. I won’t say what the problems were, but they were very debilitating physically and mentally for her. At that time I had a choice – abandon this person asking for my help – or help her and hope that better days were to come for her and for our relationship. After a tough year (2005) she finally felt able to go back to work. Her schedule kept us separated as she worked nights and weekends. We started seeing each other less and less (although still talking every day). On March 1st she called from work and said she just wanted to be friends. I thought this was rather abrupt (after all she’d called and assured me she loved me 48 hours prior) and I asked if we could meet and talk about it. She agreed to meet on the following Saturday. Friday morning I got an email from her saying that she would prefer if we didn’t see or speak to one another “for now” like a break. This drove me insane.

In the following three weeks I made all the mistakes that anyone does when the love of their life asks to just disappear. I called her family. I emailed her friends. I sent her love letters. I sent her expensive gifts.

No response.

Then- a call from her father. He asked to meet with me on March 18th. I had had a business relationship with him and he had some work for me to do – but also wanted to talk about the situation between myself and his daughter. He advised me that she needed some time to cool off and I should wait a few months and call her.

On March 22nd I couldn’t stand it anymore and I left a voicemail on her phone. She called back the next day to let me know that the idea of us getting back together was not very likely – but we’d talk again after more time had passed.

Two days later she called my parents and then me to say that she’d decided she never wanted to be with me again. Apparently she learned that I’d met with her father and was not happy about it.

Three weeks went by and at the time I still was in love with her. I was still delusional and held out hope that she was just angry when she called and maybe if she calmed down we could still have a chance. On April 13th I sent her an email asking what she was really thinking.

The response was the most devastating thing I’ve ever read. It sent me into a tailspin that I’m just now (5 weeks later) starting to claw my way back out of. The email contained paragraphs of reasons why I was a terrible boyfriend and perhaps a terrible person. The capper came in a paragraph about how her new boyfriend (whom she works with – surprise surprise) is so much better than me.

For many weeks I was deeply depressed and almost suicidal. Through some counseling, family, friends, and more research into her “problem” I realized most (if not all) of her allegations against me were false and simply excuses to make her feel better about the (bad) decisions she’d made. Still, nothing can excuse such a cold-hearted inhuman act. She knew exactly what her words would do to me and said them anyway. I’m still amazed that one human being could treat another so cruely? What did I do to deserve being emotionally destroyed? I didn’t take her to enough expensive restaurants, I didn’t buy her enough jewelry, I didn’t tell her I loved her often enough? Does that deserve being destroyed? Alcoholic wife-beaters get off easier than I did. This leads me to believe she still isn’t happy with herself or her life.

In June of last year when Celeste graduated from OSU I spoke to her briefly online. I congratulated her on graduating. I was happy with my life and felt no reason to make her feel bad. The conversation was only a few lines, but enough to show her that although she hurt me in 2003, I have no ill will towards her. At the end of our relationship I did many things to ease her pain – including her request to end it “her way.” I even helped her move to a new apartment.

Apparently Amy is indifferent to the suffering of someone she professes to love or have loved, and would in fact prefer to destroy them to make herself feel better. So, after almost two years of helping her get back on her feet my reward was to be utterly destroyed. I took on more and more baggage from her for years until finally she felt free and just walked away – leaving all of it with me, only I have no-one to give it to.

I moved to a new apartment on May 5th to escape from the memories of the old place.

I’m trying to date – but I’m hearing from people that I shouldn’t be right now. People tell me “don’t worry, there are lots of fish in the sea,” but their next comment is that I shouldn’t go fishing for awhile. Ironic that the dumped is left not allowed to be happy with someone else while the guilty party (the dumper) can leap from person to person with the greatest of ease (and no remorse for the pain they’ve caused apparently). Did I really mean so little to her that after two years she only needed days (or less) to “get over” me?

Today is her 26th birthday. I had made big plans for today many months in advance that are now dashed obviously. I guess that is just another example of how terrible a boyfriend I am. On my 24th birthday my gift from her was “I’ll take you to dinner, where do you want to go.” And I drove us there.

Those who know me well know the reasons that she was in fact a terrible girlfriend – or at best “unsupportive of my interests.” I will not get into that here for several reasons.

I’ve come to accept the fact that she isn’t coming back. I’ve come to accept the fact that since I don’t have her “problem” I deserve someone who doesn’t have it either. However, with that realization came a more depressing thought – I’m alone now and I spent two years of my life concentrating on something that was never going to return anything for me. I spent my emotional life savings on an emotional Enron. And there will be no trial. No public humiliation for the abuser – just an endless supply of money and men.

I’m not really sure where my life goes from here – I’m just living day to day. Pain upon pain.

There is one constructive thing I CAN do here. I want to thank everyone that came rushing back into my life to help me in my greatest time of need. People I’d basically ignored for two years because I was expected to spend all my energy on one person (by her request) forgave me and did some amazing things to help.

Sasha, who I haven’t seen since we bumped into each other in college, sent me a series of cards with uplifting messages, emails, and even text messages.

Aaron (F), who I rarely spoke to after visiting him in San Francisco over a year ago, has spent hours on the phone helping me sort through this.

Aaron (M), who I ignored when he had his own girl problems in the past, has spent countless hours in person and online raking through the debris of my life for answers.

Amanda, too, has volunteered phone and email time to cheer me up.

Amy (F) has checked up on me from time to time even though I know she’s struggling with some heavy burdens of her own.

Byron- perhaps my best friend has also volunteered his time whenever I needed it.

Byron’s mom even sent me a sweet card to let me know that things will get better.

Edimer – who I really hadn’t known that long introduced me to new people and frequently calls to check up on me.

Even my co-workers have gotten into the act and become friends even though I ignored them the first year I worked here (“I don’t need to be friends with these people – I’VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND”).

Lastly my parents have kept a close watch on my day-to-day struggle. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have family. It would be a lot easier if they weren’t 2,500 miles away…but that is my fault.

This is without a doubt the hardest time of my entire life; and I hope I don’t have to go through anything like this again for a long long time. If I make it through to something better I will never forget those that were there for me (and those that weren’t!).

I will

I will

I will post soon. I am still in the dark woods, but after the long dark I’ve finally plugged back into the soft glow of the net.

Questions need to be answered first. What do I write? Those of you that need to know already know everything. Everyone else probably should never know. Yet something must be said.

It will be said, in one form or another. I will give you more than she gave me, for I have more compassion for you, my anonymous reader, than she had for her lover when the time came.

Why am I still afraid to close my eyes?