I started my Texas vacation last night. I thought getting away to a new place would be the panacea for my problems, but if it is your thoughts you are trying to escape – they tend to stay with you no matter where you temporarily relocate yourself.

There is a letter I’ve been meaning to write.

There is a letter I’ve started to write a few times on paper.

There is a long letter I wrote a few times on the computer.

There are thousands of letters I’ve written inside my head in the past 40+ days. The receiver however has (at least until reading this) no idea any of this was occurring.

Once I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t write about a certain subject on this blog any longer. Perhaps it is a mistake to even write anything now. Perhaps it was to stop myself from writing anything rash, or overly emotional (read: weak). Perhaps I just simply didn’t want to face it.

I still have unanswered questions, but I try to console myself and say that the answers are irrelevant. I try to tell myself that fate has decided my path already and second-guessing is futile.

I do know I’m faced with a hard decision I’ve never been faced with before. I also know that simply ignoring that decision doesn’t make it go away. I kind of told myself “I’ll worry about that after I get back from Texas.” Well, faced with a night alone in an unfamiliar town (where apparently everything closes early) while sitting in front of a friend’s PC (or Mac, actually), pacing around a friend’s living room, and trying to dispel certain thoughts from my head… things bubble to the surface.

I hadn’t seen my friend since April of 2006. What a strange coincidence. At that time it was roughly 7 weeks since I’d been unceremoniously dumped. Now, here we are again – roughly 7 weeks (although one might argue that this one was thoroughly planned and fairly ceremonious).

I see two roads ahead.

On one path, I blank out someone’s existence and only remember them in moments of emotional weakness – and in my dreams (which can be one and the same often). I suppose the goal here is to just forget entirely about that person. From experience I know that won’t be the case. I still think about everyone who has professed to love me (or not love me, as the case may be). I do hope Celeste, for one, has a happy life without me, and I regret not staying in touch to be certain of it.

On the other path I try to make new memories of a different type, eventually (hopefully) dulling the pin pricks to my heart produced by the old memories.

I have no experience to draw on in this situation to know which one is the better choice. Although I do know that by choosing the first road I’m denying someone something she asked of me, which I’m not sure is a necessary punishment for doing what she thought was best for her. Perhaps it would be more of a punishment for myself after all if I were to stay this stubborn forever.

So it seems I want to break the thick blanket of quiet. If parting is such sweet sorrow, what then is a new beginning, sour joy?

I guess there is only one way to find out.