Tuesday after work I shot down to the NoHo subway center and took the red line to Hollywood and Vine. I had RSVP’d last week for the first (and only?) screening of Wayne Coin’s Christmas on Mars.

When I got there (an hour before the doors were supposed to open) the line was already long. My friend showed up to join me after another half hour. We ended up standing on vine slowly creeping towards the box office for another hour. When I finally got to the ticket window I saw why it was taking so long. Two people were inside and both held their finger up telling me to wait…for apparently no reason. After five minutes of this one of them looked up and threw two tickets out the window without even asking my name.

We got free popcorn and Izze soda (I think this is the same fruity soda sold at starbucks) and found seats in the upper balcony of the Montalban (yes, named after THAT Montalban).

After a short introduction by Wayne Coin the film started. It was a severely low budget affair. spaceship hatches were clearly made out of foam core, power generators were hot water heaters covered with Tupperware bowls and Wayne’s “spaceman” makeup was little more than pipe cleaners and Halloween makeup.

However, unlike other backyard productions (aside from the members of the Flaming Lips) this film starred (or featured) Adam Goldberg (most famous for his role as the Jewish soldier in Saving Private Ryan) and Fred Armisan (part of SNLs lame 21st century cast).

The acting was bad. The dialogue was bad (“dammit, you guys can’t keep coming in my office when I’ve got my shirt off!”). The visuals were pathetic (except for the opening and closing “space trip” sequences). It became apparent that Mr. Coin has some issues with female anatomy, and he was using this film to explore them. At one point Adam Goldberg described a “space nightmare” in which a marching band with vagina’s for heads trampled a baby. And we were forced to see this acted out.

The film was in black and white except where the director wanted to make a point. However, unlike in Schindler’s List, the usage of color here almost seemed like a mistake made in the editing room.

The music was minimal (strange considering who the director/writer was).

The only cool part was the gumdrop spaceship that the Martian used.

The article from Juxtapoz had said that the showing would have “a few psychedelic surprises!” This must have been the glitter blown out (in small amounts) from the rafter in the “snowflakes” scene at the end. Kind of pathetic.

Even though my friend was a film studies minor in college and “loves question and answers” – we quickly left when the credits started rolling.

Good thing too – I still had another hour to put in on a freelance job (thank god!) before I could go to sleep.