I’ve been told that my entries as of late are of little use to someone that actually wants to know what is going on in my life.

I guess at this point I can be honest about the facts of the situation.

On February 22nd I left work early and made the four hour drive to San Diego to see Beverly – who was attending an event at the convention center that day and the next. When I got there we were both extremely tired and hungry – but she had to go show her coworkers to the restaurant she had arranged for them. She and I finally headed out to eat after 9pm (I hadn’t eaten anything since 11:30am). We were both not in a great mood and our conversation over dinner reflected that. Afterwards we went to the bar/lounge at the top of the Hyatt (where she was staying) and had a drink. She noted how bored she was and we soon went downstairs to our room to sleep.

The next day she was done working in the early afternoon. We headed to the gaslamp district for some lunch before heading to Coronado Island. At the restaurant I brought up what happened the night before. She stated her disappointment that I didn’t know what was necessary to cheer her up and that maybe it shows that we aren’t right for each other. We agreed to have this more serious conversation on the beach at Coronado.

Once on the beach she proceeded to either ask for a “break” or a “break-up,” it wasn’t entirely clear. We drove back to her apartment and agreed that we’d take some time to “think about things.”

After ten days of no contact I couldn’t stand it anymore. I knew (from facebook) that she had gotten ill over the weekend – so I called her and said I was coming to cook her dinner. She had already made herself dinner but welcomed me anyway. The evening went well and by the time I left I was under the impression that we were back together as a couple but just had some issues to work out (thus the strange post on here about “waking from a nightmare”). I made plans for us for the weekend, however, her sickness became more pronounced and she emailed me on Friday asking to go incognito until she felt better – and then we’d talk.

Turns out she had strep throat and recovery would be a long difficult process. In fact, we are both still sick and we aren’t really sure with what. The following weekend (the 15th) we finally met up again to talk. She informed me that she is applying to jobs in China and that all she can offer me right now is friendship. There is much more to the story – over the course of the weekend we discussed our relationship for about ten hours in total; but it boils down to the fact that she isn’t sure what she’ll be doing six months from now – and that precludes having a serious relationship with anyone.

Since then I’ve been struggling with this new relationship. I know she reads this blog – so I’ve been hesitant to say anything concrete one way or another. However, after hearing from a friend that “I can’t tell what is going on from what you write” I guess I needed to clarify. While it seems Beverly may be leaving the door open for a future relationship if we both end up on the same continent in the future – she seems to be quite certain that she can be no more than a friend at the moment. At first I thought I would “wait” and see what happens. However, pretending I don’t have feelings for someone in the name of “friendship” is a very tall order.

Thus as of this week I am beginning the process of grieving for the relationship that has ended – and also for the one that never was, cut short before it could blossom into something more beautiful.