Sometimes I sit down and I look at myself and I realize “God, I’m such a fool.” What am I doing out here in California? I’d like to tell myself I’m following some sort of dream. What dream? What dream am I capable of realizing? It rarely comes, but occasionally I can see with clarity that the answer is nothing. Today was one of those days.
My whole life I’ve been overachieving (or at least trying to) only to hide the fact that I’m an idiot. Because of this, my stupidy takes form in unique and painful ways. The last few weeks I’ve been thinking that I should try to be an extra in a movie or tv show or something just for fun. In hindsight I don’t know what I was thinking, they rarely have a role called “ugly short guy.” To drive the point home I now have huge red spotty things all over my neck making it look like I have herpes or something. That put my ego right back to where it belongs in a jiffy.
I move to California and call people from the beach in the winter and brag about it like an asshole. Then I get a sunburn worse than I’ve had in my whole life to where my back is still sensitive months later.
To my close friends I’m known as a sarcastic asshole at best. Why do I do this? I do nice things for my friends now not out of compassion but out of guilt from all the mean things I’ve done, which they’ve only repaid with kindness.
I made my best friend give me rent money when he visited me for a week in college. I can’t believe he still talks to me, let alone sends birthday/Christmas gifts.
I got a cell phone plan with the least amount of minutes so I could save money. The trade-off was that I couldn’t call Amy much (which hurt her feelings). So, now that I really need to call her – I don’t have my phone because I left it at her house when I was there Saturday…..
I stayed with a girl for three years that made me choose between her and my friends and family, and then would put me last on her list every time. I’m lucky I still had any friends left after it was over.
Then I finally do meet a girl that puts me first on her list (or pretty high anyway) and I can’t even bother to tell her how I feel about her, which is the only thing she ever asked for in return. Instead I just took her for granted and convinced myself I didn’t need her. Well, now I realize I do, but intelligent and attractive young women don’t need to have anything to do with ugly cheap guys that live in bad neighborhoods, so I have to be really careful from now on. That is, if it isn’t too late already…
A janitor that knows he’ll always be a janitor is a better happier person than someone who has delusions of grandeur. I need to wake up and “get real,” the trouble is – I’ve been living someone else’s life the whole time, so I have no idea who I really am.